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I don’t give a damn about how much you and your insecurity weigh

07 Dec
“I don’t think you love me. You said I’m ugly and silly.”
“Do you know that once I dated a supermodel?”
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“…how is that supposed to make me feel better???”
“Please, let me finish. I dated her for a couple of months, and we went to all of those glamorous parties. It was fun.”
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“You better finish your story quickly. My insecurity just gained another 5 kilos, thanks to your stupid supermodel story.”
“FYI, I don’t give a damn about how much you and your insecurity weigh! Okay, so the supermodel was so good in bed…unlike you, who refused to have sex before marriage. Fucking lame.”
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“Why don’t you just killl me? I just thought you should know.FYI!”
“She is very pretty my eyes get weepy everytime I see her.”
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“.. If you do adore her.. If you hate me so much why are you still with me?”
“For God sake, Emily! Don’t you get it? She is undeniably the hottest girl I’ve ever dated, but everytime I see her my vision gets blurry! Who the fuck would want his eyes to get blurry? Yes, we went to those glamorous parties but you know me… I can’t stand being someone else in those parties, I’m sick of wearing masks everytime I’m with her..all I wanna do is to drink my beer and laugh my ass off. You Emily, you enable me to do all of that. You make me laugh, you don’t care what shoes I wear, you don’t care if I ride my bike rather than my car…”
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“But you said you don’t give a damn about me and my insecurity, and that I am lame..”
“It’s true, I don’t give a damn! I’m not here to feed your insecurity.. Do I look like a caretaker? You are lame for thinking that I am a jar of sugar, because some of the things I say might leave scar. Now listen carefully, I need you to tattoo the following confession on your mind. Emily, you are the only person that makes me feel understood and relevant. How can I stop my heart and head from whispering your name everytime your stupid smile makes me feel good”
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“….. I love you. I’m sorry for being so silly.”
“You ARE silly, and you better stop apologizing. Repeated “sorrys” won’t work unless they give me money. Now shut your mouth and let’s have dinner!”
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“Babe, say you love me. Please. For once.”
“Damn girl! What a demanding girl you are! Alright, alright. I have a great interest and pleasure in you, an intense feeling of deep affection for you, a deep romantic attachment to someone. Damn, I really need to learn how not to sound cheesy. Okay, Emilyy, you are the girl of my reality that provides me enough faith to keep trying, breathing and smiling. You make me sleep well at night, knowing that there is one wonderful girl in this world that genuinely cares for me, no matter how rude and unromantic I am. There. Satisfied?”
– – – – – –
“See this photo? You look beautiful when you are sleeping.”
“Should I get drunk and then fall asleep everytime my confidence shrunk?”
“Of course not, stupid. I’m not suggesting you to become everyone’s pretty face. I just want your prettiness for my own. I don’t trust any other guys, except for your Father.”
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“..tell me you can’t live without me..”
“Cut that crap! If your insecurity is a human being, I’d mutilate him until his blood begs for mercy. Emily, I thought we had this discussion last week? I feel ill whenever your insecurity asks for food. I hate these stupid questions!”
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“You know me, why don’t you at least try to put up with me? Just tell me that you can’t live without me.”
“Emily, read my lips and hear me closely.. Of course I CAN live without you. You are not food, water and beer, for God’s sake. Stop flattering yourself. You are not THAT important!”
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“Oh, okay..  Another kilo for my insecurity!”
“What? Oh, com’on Emily.. You want me to treat you like food, water and beer? To treat you like something to swallow and digest just to survive? Then I’ll burp, throw you away over my ass and push ‘flush’? I’ll even wash my hands twice after. Is that how you want me to treat you?”
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“I fucking hate you! I really do! Last week you made me feel loved. Now it feels like you just unnoticeably stab me directly into my fragile heart! I hate you! You hear me? I HATE you!”
“Yes! com’on! Punch me, punch me harder Emily!… Did I see tears there? God damn it, why do girls have to cry.. Come here Emily, you just need a little hug”
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“…I just need to make sure that you won’t leave me. I need to be sure that I won’t wake up one day, realizing the absence of you.”
“Giving you a free, all-access pass to enter my life has become both the best and worst decision I’ve ever made, Emily. I can’t be sure of tomorrow, you can’t, no one can. Here is an example, can you be sure of tomorrow’s rain? No you can’t. See? I don’t fear the possibility of your absence, I can’t force you to stay if you want to walk away. It’s not my job. What I fear is…the possibility of you forcing me to leave, which I can assure you, unless you decide to become a slut and cheat on me, I won’t want to walk away.”
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“…”
“What now? Okay, please listen, I’m trying, Emily. Since you have a huge crap of tolerance over my insensitivity, I guess I have to try harder to cope with your insecurity. I can assure you that I will never hurt you on purpose. I’m not going to cheat on you, because I can’t even drive AND text, for God’s sake. I’m not a multitasker. I’m working hard so that one day I’ll be able take you to Fiji, or wherever ridiculous place you keep rambling about. I want to build a roof for both of us to live under, but I know there are still a lot of things I need to prove. So, please be patient. Be sure of me like I am sure of you.”
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“… I’m sorry..I promise I won’t ask you all those stupid questions again.”
“Shut up, Emily, I know you will. I’ll be your weekly reminder, as long as you promise not to become a fucking pretender. Are we clear? Now wipe your tears, go find your bag and let’s have sumtin to eat! I’m so hungry I can eat you.. Ha!”
 
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Posted by on December 7, 2011 in Aksara tanpa Rasa, Weirdo Side of Me

 

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